JPG: Stories: Personal Post: The Confessions of an Educational Unabomber Or: Why I Like to Laugh at the Fact that There Ain't Nothin' Funny

The Confessions of an Educational Unabomber Or: Why I Like to Laugh at the Fact that There Ain't Nothin' Funny

By John Linton

22 Jul 2008

Some of you seemed to like my speech at my wife's retirement so much I thought I'd upload the one I gave at my retirement. I dedicate it now to the fools on The New Yorker staff who actually thought their present cover was a good idea.

"When I was in the fourth grade my parents asked the school to administer an IQ test to see if I was stupid or lazy. When the results came back they sent dad into a depression from which he has never fully recovered. You see, dad is a member in good standing of Mensa and had hoped the results would indicate that I was lazy. From that time until I graduated from college, I don't think I missed many opportunities to deepen dad's depression, which probably explains why on my wedding day he took me aside and said "Son, marrying Brenda is the only intelligent thing you have ever done in your life." Looking back over the 32 years since that momentous occasion, I can think of nothing that I have done that would in anyway alter the accuracy of dad's statement.

The trouble lies in the fact that my mentors have never been educators. Instead, they have been the likes of George Carlin, Kinky Freidman, and Kurt Vonnegut. Educational gurus say things like "We are all life long learners." I prefer to say, "We are all dipsticks in search of oil." You might say I have always viewed mankind's attempts at educating successive generations as proof positive that God possesses one wicked sense of humor.

Not long ago, we used to hold an annual staff development bitchfest/love-in at some posh hotel somewhere. And each year we would invite some educational guru to come, at our expense, and lecture us on why we shouldn't use the lecture method in the classroom. One particular year it was some black guy, "Mister Gettin' Wid' His Bad Self" his self, and I must admit that he summed up better than most why my ass should have been fired years before when he intoned, "We teach what we know, but we reproduce what we are."

So why wasn't my ass fired years ago? Well, I believe it is because those in the teaching profession too often allow the better angels of their mercy to cloud their judgment."

The superintendent was sitting right in front of me when I delivered this and had personally invited his very good friend (with a phd in ed) to speak. The very same person I referred to as some black guy. He probably was thinking about me then what I'm thinking about The New Yorker staff right now.

5 responses

Robert Duncan said (23 Oct 2008):
I'm sure you affected, effected, and infected some pretty good minds over the years. I believe the students especially appreciate the teachers who don't just regurgitate what they were taught to teach; but acutally make them think. I one time stated to the supervisor of instruction that there was more to teaching than Kentucky Core Content. I was met with a kind of dumb sheep look. The heretic still has his job and the students gather in close to hear what he has to say.
Sherry Davis Johnson gave props (1 Dec 2008):
I am certain it was a sad day for the children when you retired, John Linton.
bill banks said (12 Dec 2008):
as i student (actually i am one of Robert Duncan's ap art students) i feel that the only teachers that are any good in a school, are the ones who teach kids, without the kids relazing that there learning.
if you can get a young mind to be interested in something thats great, if you can teach 25+ kids at one time thats even better, but if you can do both, then thats when you have done something truely special.
Lindsay gave props (15 Jan 2009):
As someone who is still "in school" (or attempting to be) to obtain my nursing degree, I can tell you that this will echo in my mind for a good chunk of time. And I can say that it woulda been a blast to have you as a teacher...and i'm sure there were many sad students the day you retired. i'm glad they never fired your ass ;). awesome john. just awesome. what did you teach anyway? just wondering.
Richard Knight said (15 Aug 2009):
John, many kernels of truth, here. In college, I switched from civil engineering (after which Dad -- also an Academy grad -- said I would never amount to anything), then to economics, and finally to English (after which Dad said I'd never get promoted to 1st lieutenant). My English professors weren't "teachers," they were more like coaches. To be honest, I didn't start "learning" until about the age of 35, when I began reading seriously. Excellent essay.