JPG Magazine: Stories: Feature Story: The Asian Toilet: Something like a Handy Guide

The Asian Toilet: Something like a Handy Guide

By Jeff Kennel

14 June 2008

Behold, the Asian toilet. Originally a mere hole in the floor, now, in more modern times, a finely crafted porcelain receptacle often, and hopefully for you, sporting footskids. The one you see here was experienced in the Cameron Highlands in the bowels of a Chinese hotpot restaurant. Now, down to brass tacks. To tame this beast one needs to be an excellent squatter with the balance of Segway, the determination of a triathlete and an intimate and unnatural knowledge of where your leather cheerio is at all times...because this, my unlucky friend, is going to be a blind drop under great duress into the porcelain valley of foulness. It also is likely to be quite painful. See, we Westerners have little to no experience squatting, whereas Asians, and Chinese in particular, squat at least half the day. Why don't they just sit on the floor you ask? Good thinking...but the floor...and I'm talking just about any indoor floor and the street is so covered with spit, flem, children's urine and other not-so-nice liquids, etc., that even the Chinese wouldn't dare. Anyway, back to the toilet. You mentally size this thing up, step up onto the launching pad, do a 180 and proceed to squat. The first thing that strikes you is that there is nothing to hold onto...no rope, no handle, nothing but flat dirty walls to brace yourself as your muscles start to rebel and your body starts to sweat in this dark smelly joke of a "restroom." Next you contemplate whether you should have targeted the actual hole in the porcelain or gone for the trough leading to the hole. I always try and hit the trough as I just can't stand my balloon knot getting splashed. And that water is the last thing you want entering any of your orifices. Now, the next thing that occurs to me, as nothing seems to be happening, is that perhaps due to my inflexible Western corpse being in such a strange and cramped position...I might be physically incapable of meaningful production. Alas, with some rocking, adjusting and just plain waiting, sweet release was mine.

Now, dear friend, I hope you remembered to bring your own role of toilet paper or at least grabbed a few waxy napkins discretely from the table. If not, be sure to use your left hand...as few fingers as possible and hopefully your underwear is made of thick cotton to soak up the excess water that is no doubt running down your legs.

Luckily for me this toilet had an actual flush mechanism. Most do, however often you'll get the bucket of water next to it (usually full of mosquitos and fly larvae). In this case you'll be required to shovel in buckets and buckets of water into the hole in an attempt to get it all to go down. Stand clear and watch your shoes.

You're no doubt sweaty and exhausted by this point with a wet bum, splattered shoes and confused as to why squat toilets haven't gone the way of the dodo-bird or Vanilla Ice. As with most confusing things you encounter in Asia, it's best to just forget about it because you'll never find a satisfying answer. Anyway, you're done, you've survived the Asian toilet!

Now, enjoy the Olympics!

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