JPG Magazine: Stories: Personal Post: Photography saving the Domestic Engineer

Photography saving the Domestic Engineer

By Cari E.

26 March 2008

Stay at Home Mommy was never one of the jobs I dreamed about as a little girl. I had grand plans to be a princess, a ballerina, a brain surgeon or in my late teens a Drama Teacher or maybe a journalist. But Mommy? Nope, never entered my mind.

So it was a shock when I got pregnant and then lost my job when my daughter was 3 months old. We decided that if I didn't find a job with in the 6 months of my unemployment that I'd stay home with the baby. I thought 'no big deal' I'll get a job no problem. Well in the aftermath of 9/11 and companies downsizing no one really wanted or needed a secretary and I refused to go back into retail with it's awful hours.

I got married and became a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). I didn't think I was cut out for it. I stared at the same walls day in and day out wondering what to do with myself. I joined a Mom's Club which helped get us out of the house, I read A LOT, and I broke back out my Dad's 35mm and took some pictures of my growing little girl.

As the years went by I noticed that I didn't have any of my friends left. They were still single and bar hopping. I got a couple calls from the local community theatre asking if I'd come back to manage a show. As much as I wanted to, I declined feeling guilty, feeling that I'd be away from my family too much in the evenings.

By the time my son was born, I was starting to forget who I was before I became Mrs. & Mommy. Who was Cari? What was she good at? What were her dreams? For 3 years I'd been identified as Mommy. I'd been through too many conversations where people discounted me because I didn't work outside the home. I didn't have friends on the same level as me. I think every SAHM goes through a point in her life where she wonders if she's doing something productive. It's a 24/7 job that is pretty thankless. You have to find your thanks in small moments. If you get too bogged down in everyday life and forget to find the joy in little things, you get lost and feel alone.

I started to get a little depressed (which turns out was partly due to PPD) and started to resent my husband and my children since they were the reasons I had to give up so much of myself to take care of them. I had a bit of a melt down and asked the family physician for help. A couple months on anit-depressents kicked the Baby Blues and put back in a better frame of mind making me a better, happier wife and mother.

So I thought rather than drown myself in the 'What If's' of life I looked around and discovered a part of myself that was always at hand. My camera along with gobs of photos and negatives. I started taking my camera with me on trips again and focusing more on bettering my skills a little. When the trusty 35mm gave up the ghost a few years ago I borrowed my Mom's little Sony Powershot and went crazy with it. I had a friend about that time that had a Nikon D70 and she let me play with it one day. I fell in love and begged my husband for months to get me one. He finally broke down and I got the D50 with some lenses and other fun toys to go with it. I was exstatic! I must have put about 1000 frames on it the first month alone.

We found out at Christmas that my Brother-in-Law proposed to his girlfriend. To my sheer surprise they asked me if I would photograph their wedding that coming June! I freaked out! I had barely learned to use my camera and they wanted me to document the biggest day of their lives!

Needless to say the next 6 months for me were a whirlwind of learning. I had so much fun though that I started getting interested in portriture. My sister-in-law was more than willing to be my guinea pig/model. I got a big white bed sheet and tacked it to the wall and used a couple garage clamp style lights to do some inhome portraits of the kids. Eventually I bumped up to a canvas backdrop and got real lights and a backdrop support system (much to my husband's relief who was tired of seeing holes in the walls!). I started learning more about Photoshop and falling in love with the endless possiblities that it held.

By the time the wedding came around I was a nervous wreck! I spent 12 hours on my feet with barely anything in my stomach. It was a great learning experience and by the time we previewed the pictures I knew that this is what I wanted to do with myself. For one glorious afternoon I wasn't Mommy or Wife. I was Cari, the official wedding photographer! The pictures turned out so much better than anyone expected and I was extremely proud of myself.

The next 6 months I did more portraits for family and friends. Taking a Saturday here and there to 'work'. At one point there was a little tension between my husband and I over it. He felt I was spending too much time away from home. In reality it was only a day or two a month but when you have never really left your family in 4 years it seems like a lot.

We had a heart to heart talk at that point. I explained to him how I'd been feeling lost and not knowing who I was. That he still had his job and his same friends that he's always had, yet I didn't. That the only thing I still had from my previous life was my camera. I told him that I felt like I didn't have any worth outside our home and family. But by taking pictures and getting out of the house I finally had something that was MINE that I could partially be identified by. I wasn't just Ryan's Wife or Katie & Nathan's Mom. I was Cari and she takes good pictures. I'm extremely lucky that I have such a wonderful Husband. After I explained things to him he understood and has been fully supportive ever since.

I'm still only doing pictures for family and friends. I really enjoyed the other two weddings I've done. I've been asked my numerous 'friends of friends' to do work for them as well, but have declined thus far. Now that I'm getting to know myself and doing something that I love I don't want to overdo it. I'm really terrified of taking something like this and twisting it to make money. I don't want to end up hating the thing that's saved me.

Photography for this Mommy has bridged the gap between my past as a single girl to my present as a happily married wife and mother.

Of course doing my own kid's photos has saved us some money too by avoiding the mall studios...lol

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