Down and out at the clermont
By kevin stewart
15 Aug 2009
One day, yeah one of these days some dark clouds are going to come rolling in. They gonna bring on some ominous storm with 'em. Big old electrical storm like a black power box popping out electricity at full capacity. And after those gray bastards done emptied themselves of all the rain... like a bunch of cotton balls gone mad...After they squeeze themselves dry of all that they have swelled up within, they gone part and begin to suck up new life. And you know what? They gonna take me wit them. Yeah I'll be gone. I'll be done got sucked up in them because I will have gotten tired of this old artist's life. I will be willing to be reborn. I'm tired now; an artist's kind of tired. Most folks who don't engage is making a way for themselves don't understand an artist's grief. Of course my tears wont come cause the clouds putting enough wet on the ground as its is. Aint no need in me clogging up the sewers with all my salty tears. Film photographers don't cry anyhow. No more than they already doing. I see a lot of them at the local pawn shops.
Don't cry, be tough; I convince myself. I'm accustomed to putting other peoples emotions ahead of mine. Weddings birthdays, festive occasions. It don't matter how a photographer feels. He got to be ready to record the feelings of others. I might as well wait til I shoot so I can feel again. Until then, I'll just sit here penniless (well I got twenty bucks and some Chinese food to eat) and this old FE2 in my hand. I'll just sit her clicking through these Venetian blinds. Record the earth. You know these Venetian blinds used to be white. They yellow now. No maids come to these rooms. Management rents by the hour. Like one hour labs used to do. Drop off the film come back in an hour. Now I've been dropped off. Nobody is coming to get me.
This yellowish color of these old blinds will add some nostalgia to the images. As the clouds part that blue will recede and this yellow hue will move forward....Oh look at me. You know it takes a photographer to notice that. Sitting here looking outta this old window talking color theory. How quickly I forget my own blues.
I turn my attention to the streets below. Soon the parties will start . I'll just sit here looking out this window watching the sun vanish behind clouds. Watch that sky turn dark blue and them florescent lights punctuate the night. I will not entertain all the life these walls used to have. The tiles and how they used to say, 'nice hotel'. Now they say, 'nasty floor'.
My city is getting ready for a Saturday night. I can see them now.... rooms filled to the brim wit well dressed folks. Flinging glances that could kill. Party goers making phone calls to those who aint there. Texting coming from cars full of folks still cruising tryin to find, "where the party at". Once upon a time I would be right there. "Mr. photographer, take this picture of me and my friends..." Girls would be all made up like stars. Guys spying from afar. But not anymore. I fell from grace. Fell out of touch. Did'nt go digital didn't make a plan. I can't join them right now being a broke man. Being broke gets you disconnected. A disconnected photographer i am. As broke as I am, I can't even buy a camera. Not with today's prices. By the time you are in, you are out of fashion again.
Most photographers around here moonlight. They work by day and shoot on the side. But I had to be stupid. I had to try to go full time. One of the few the proud the serene. Yeah, I quit my 'day job' before establishing a new one. Followed my passion, not my right mind. Did not write a business plan. Just camera-ed my way in. And then when digital came, I became a stubborn purist. I did not change, Again, no plan. Now I'm on the losing end. Can't figure out what to do.
Sun gone down night time is now. Art is temporarily out of season. A new breed is in. Events have always been about 'grip and grin'. Clients would call and ask, "when you gonna put em in". Meaning, develop the film. Now its upload right away. Presto. today is less than a minute ago.
Presto came in. Now I'm on skid row. Looking out the window wanting back in. Man, just a year ago I was "the man". I went to all the parties and opening. I would be right there shadowing the producer; looking important with a big grin...
Hey, who is that over there...
...Oh that's the lady from The Atlanta Housewives. She probably would not remember me, now. Last I saw her she had a boutique, I was a fashion photographer about te scene. I was all cool and shit with models in toe. I would sit just outside the dressing room while they tried on clothes.
But, Nawh she don't recall. ...
And over there...there is 'whats-his-name'. He don't remember me. That guy once begged me to work on his magazine. Now here I am no new LED backed camera in my hand. Just this old FE trying to record the passing of my time. I'm in manual mode. Held up in an old hotel. Way off the beaten path. Rain stopped and the water beads on the glass all shimmering along by themselves. In the distance twinkling car lights. Vehicles all filled with women wearing heels and passengers being shuttled to special places. I'm coming back to my senses
I'm finished reminiscing now. My Chinese food smells good. Brings me to my senses. The time is now and this old hotel did not invest in converter boxes so no television equals No escape. Didn't management get the news? It's the 21st century and rabbit ears don't detect digital signals. Heck even I knew that. I mean i failed to o digital but i got i a laptop.
I'm pirating now from the bars below. It's my only source of connectedness to the world I once knew. But what will the hotel do to satisfy its future guest? One day they will have to go digital. Until then I have to tell the guys at pawn shops where to stay.
Yeap one day, the clouds gonna part and I'll be gone. But now right now. Right now I'm waiting on tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll face the rising sun. I'll bet its gonna be pretty and yellow and a golden glow. Like the artist I am, I'll be recording it just the same. Somethings never change. Photographers are trained to put their feelings aside. But one day, I am gonna vanish with them clouds.
